Wednesday, September 18, 2013

the fat diaries.

I think as a woman, it's normal to always think you're fat. Am I right? I can't think of one woman that I know or have known that has said, I love the way I look. I have the perfect body. And, I don't think I've ever thought that way, either. No matter how skinny -- or not so skinny -- I have been, I've always thought I was fat.

Here's my problem -- I love food. No, like I LOVE food. I love eating at fancy restaurants, not just because I feel super posh and important, but have you HAD any food made at a Thomas Keller restaurant? (If not, you're missing out.) I love baked goods and In n Out (double double with cheese, ketchup, pickles and chopped raw onion only please) and my sister's gluten free black bean chips and peaches and Taco Bell (YES. I love the taco beezy and crave it every once in awhile. It's disgusting, but SO good.) and french fries and my mom's stuffed mushrooms and my dad's spaghetti sauce and legit homemade pasta and my grandpa's torta and my sissy's cookies. Food is delicious and comforting and an experience. I love trying new restaurants and going to places with a cool atmosphere and a good wine list and a full bar with froo-froo cocktails (although, I pretty much only order a vodka with tonic water and a lime).

So yes. I love food which means I'm not the skinniest person you've met. Now, look, I KNOW I'm not fat, but when I put on a bikini, I definitely don't look super cute. Also, I'm the heaviest I've ever been, which doesn't make me very happy, either. Granted, the difference between my previous weight and now is only about 10 pounds, but when you're only 5'4", 10 pounds is a lot.

As I've gotten older, it's become harder to be comfortable with my body. I hate what I see when I'm in my skivvies, staring at myself in the mirror. Or, try spending 10 days in nothing but a bathing suit -- it was 10 full days of critiquing, chastising, guilt-eating, and comparing myself to every tan skinny person in Hawaii. My body is not my friend right now.

While, yes, I know I can workout more, get myself in a routine, and probably have a better body, the reasons for working out shouldn't be strictly to see a specific number on the scale. The routine should be about feeling healthy, even if I'm not 100% happy with the way I look, and about my mental health just as much as my physical health.

The struggle is not to be obsessed about weight and about the numbers I see and wear and buy. The struggle is to understand that I'm healthy, I eat relatively well, and I'm not overweight. The struggle is to like what I see and be comfortable in my own skin. The struggle is to drown out all the food noise and the body image noise and love who I am, not who I think I should be.