Monday, January 7, 2013

happy new year. a week later.

Every new year, I make a list of resolutions, because it’s what you’re supposed to do. (Rather, it’s what we’re told we’re supposed to do.) My list is never anything too out of control and when I write them all out, there’s a sense of motivation; there’s a sense of pride that comes along with the decisions you make about changing and becoming a better person. But, even so, resolutions were soon forgotten about two months into the new year and the feelings of guilt and failure set in because I made too many promises to myself that were near impossible to achieve.

This was the first year I didn’t even begin to think about resolutions because I decided I didn’t want to set myself up for failure; I knew this year would be like every year – I’d set high expectations that were impossible to achieve, feel like a failure for not following through, and subsequently spend the rest of the year feeling poorly about myself.

But, I attribute the non-resolution making to the fact that 2012 was full of enough failure to last me a lifetime. I had a future that was everything I wanted and it was suddenly, and without warning ,completely wiped out. I lost my best friend (and not only lost him, but he is someone I do not recognize), I lost faith, I lost trust in everyone (including myself), and really, I lost myself.

A lot of 2012 was spent being angry and sad and feeling defeated and instead of making resolutions, I decided to take every day of 2013 as it comes. Every day is a chance for me to be the person I want, a chance to work toward the goals I’ve set for myself, a chance to feel joyful for all the positivity I have in my life. I decided to spend 2013 being grateful for what I do have instead of what I don’t, to focus on being thankful for the beauty in the world instead of the ugly. I decided to appreciate the people in my life who haven’t let me down and who have been there for me instead of focusing on the people that have hurt me, lied to me, and betrayed me.

So, this is the start of being grateful, of looking ahead to the future and of not worrying about what that future holds, but only being excited and grateful to have a new day. I have thousands of things to be thankful for and instead of being angry about my life, today, I choose to be happy.